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In order for a film to have a thriller, it must have certain elements. Suspense, intrigue, a sense of danger, and semi-decent pacing. In order for a film to be erotic, it must excite the viewer, either giving them more than they thought they wanted, or teasing them with just barely not enough. In order for a film to be considered a film, it has to have acting, chemistry between its actors, a coherent plot, and decent direction. “Fifty Shades Freed” is none of the above.
As this is the final installment in the “Fifty Shades” trilogy, the film finds itself beginning to wrap up the plot of Ana, a former literature major who’s now a fiction editor, and Christian, the man she interviews in the first film and became smitten with, and their new marriage.
Be forewarned however, the film does nothing to explain the previous events of the series. It simply begins as if the audience has all the information it need. Even with other lengthy series such as “Harry Potter,” audiences were still given information to keep them going, even if they’d skipped out on the previous films.
There is some plot. Very little of it, but it’s still there. Anastasia and Christian are now married and people from their past are still trying to get revenge on them for…some reason. The film never attempts to coherently explain why. In the last five minutes, attempts are made to tie up loose ends, but end up leaving far more questions than answers.
Not only are these questions about character’s past and their motivations, but questions about the lives of other characters who were introduced but never resolved. Characters simply spring into existence, are there for a few scenes, and then disappear.
A subplot with Anastasia questioning the loyalty of Christian’s brother to her best friend exists for a sum total of 10 minutes and is never brought up again. It isn’t even resolved. It just isn’t brought up again.
For a film that seems to market itself as a sexy thriller, its missing both sex and thrills. These scenes are pedestrian and, obviously, break up the pacing and the plot, but they don’t give good enough payoff to justify it.
They just feel as though they exist to exist. If they were cut out, then the film would be shorter and the plot would move faster, but then there would be no reason for people to watch it.
Speaking of moving the plot along, the filmmakers forgot to. By the time the film actually begins to move with a semblance of urgency that the “thriller” tagline on its IMDB page would suggest, there’s only thirty minutes left in the film. The previous hour and a half were simply comprised of Ana and Christian bickering like high schoolers, flying to expensive locals, and making use of red leather and low lighting.
Also, Christian is a jerk. Not in the sense of “he grows as the film progresses,” he’s just a major jerk. He’s mean to Ana, he breaks his own safe rules within the red room, and he never speaks above a low growl. He and Ana fight like high school sweethearts, yelling at each other whenever a slight disturbance comes into their fairy tale love fest.
That, coupled with the pure stupidity of some of the film’s lines (“Hello wife.” “Hello Husband.” “It’s boobs in boobland!” “Babies happen when you have sex!”) ends up making “Fifty Shades Freed” the funniest movie of the year so far. If this film must be seen in theatres, bring some friends, and get ready to make fun of its seriousness, Mystery Science Theatre-style.
“Fifty Shades Freed” also promises to be a thrilling conclusion and that, per the poster, you “won’t want to miss the climax.” Well, there wasn’t one. The film ends so quickly and anti-climatically that it feels like there’s still more story to be told. Except there isn’t. Also, given the speed at which the plot moves in the last thirty minutes, it may be the only time that the phrase “shorter than it was” is used in a negative context.
Dakota Johnson is trying her best, but there simply isn’t enough substance in any aspect of this relationship, or this film, to keep anyone invested. Jamie Dornan’s American accent sounds like he’s speaking with a constant lisp, and you could count on two hands the number of times he speaks intelligibly throughout the entire film.
The supporting cast is just as bad. Half the time, the actors just don’t seem like their trying. One scene in Ana’s office has an elderly man who, the moment he walks in the door, looks as if he’s forgotten his lines. He pauses, and then says something unintelligible and continues the scene like normal. Pure hilarity.
Get ready for the blockbuster comedy of the year, “Fifty Shades Freed” has all the substance of a piece of microwaved cheese pizza, and all of the sexiness of a blurry polaroid. Despite it partially being saved due to its unintentional hilarity, a theatre trip simply can’t be recommended for a film that is both the visual and intellectual equivalent of a wistful perfume ad stretched to two hours.
Dumb, irritating, hilarious, and painfully trying too hard with its sex scenes (Looking at you, ice cream) “Fifty Shades Freed” is absolutely painful. Not in the way most of its audience wants it to be. But scream your safe word as loud as you want, because at least the series is finally over. 1/5