Jerry Seinfeld ruled the world at one time. Whether you know him from his stand-up career, his work on the eponymous sitcom named after himself, or his 2000s millennial cult animated film “Bee Movie,” at some point in your life you’ve likely heard his name. And yet, despite his career, he’s never been more than a cameo in a live-action film before, nor has he directed a film before. Which is why “Unfrosted” is such a big deal: it’s Seinfeld’s directorial debut, a film he’s also starring in, produced, and written alongside Spike Feresten (“Bee Movie,” “Seinfeld”), Andy Robin (“Bee Movie,” “Seinfeld”), and Barry Marder (“Bee Movie,” “Night Stand”). And it absolutely stinks.
The film follows an absolutely massive comedic ensemble centered around the idea of satirizing the 1960s race between Post and Kellogg’s to create the first “breakfast pastry” product that would eventually become the Pop-Tart. Seinfeld stars as Bob Cabana, one of the Kellogg’s employees who created the treat, alongside Melissa McCarthy (“Gilmore Girls,” “Bridesmaids”) as Donna Stankowski, a NASA scientist and member of the team, Jim Gaffigan (“Troop Zero,” “Peter Pan & Wendy”) as Edsel Kellogg III, the head of Kellogg’s, Amy Schumer (“Trainwreck,” “Life & Beth”) as Marjorie Post, the head of Post, Max Greenfield (“New Girl,” “The Neighborhood”) as Rick Ludwin, her underling and right hand man, and Hugh Grant (“About a Boy," "Paddington 2") as Thurl Ravenscroft, the actor who originated the mascot role of Tony the Tiger. The rest of the ensemble consists of the likes of Peter Dinklage (“Game of Thrones,” “Death at a Funeral”), Christian Slater (“Heathers,” “Mr. Robot”), Bill Burr (“F is for Family,” “The King of Staten Island”), James Marsden (“Jury Duty,” “Sonic the Hedgehog (2020)”), Jack McBrayer (“Wreck-It Ralph,” “30 Rock”), Thomas Lennon (“Reno 911,” “Santa Clarita Diet”), Bobby Moynihan (“Ducktales (2017),” “We Bare Bears”), and Andy Daly (“Review,” “Eastbound and Down”).
Despite being written by four career comedy writers and starring a cast full of very funny people, “Unfrosted” very quickly saps all of the comedy out of the film, like a dry cereal sucking up all the milk in a bowl. Each joke in the film seems to be either a reference to some food/toy/concept from the 60s. At one point, Walter Cronkite is seen playing with a Wheel-O. That’s the whole joke of that scene; “look, a famous old person is playing with a kid's toy that’s now old.” That’s most of the film’s comedy. It boils down to referencing an old thing and a kid’s thing in one sentence; at one point, Moynihan, who’s literally playing Chef Boyardee says “Uh oh” and then pauses for a few moments before saying “SpaghettiOs.” That’s the level of comedy at play.
Which makes it even more bizarre when the film leans more into its high concept elements. From a “cereal funeral” complete with pouring cereal and milk into a grave as the coffin absorbs the milk, to Jon Hamm and John Slattery reprising their “Mad Men” roles in all but name, it rides a truly bizarre line that both feels lazy and overly complicated. There’s a literal “breakfast cereal mascot” recreation of the January 6th raid on the capital, right down to donning Tony the Tiger with giant horns. It’s an incredibly high concept idea executed as plainly as possible.
Heck, the basic premise envisions this corporate rivalry and race to create the treat as if it's the space race, with high tech equipment and scientists working on a kid’s breakfast pastry. It’s clearly trying to be a more satirical take on the “corporate” biopic we’ve recently seen with the likes of “Air,” “Tetris,” and “Blackberry”, but it fetishizes the products instead of poking any fun at them. And yes, the revelry Seinfeld has on display for the likes of Frosted Flakes and Corn Pops does indeed rise to fetishistic levels. Seeing Seinfeld walk with Superman in a commercial or feature his love of certain cartoons on his sitcom can be silly or charming. Seeing him devote a 90-minute film to the creation of, as his character Cabana puts it “happy childhoods for millions of American kids” through the creation of the Pop-Tart can feel borderline weird and creepy.
Most of the film’s problems really come back to Seinfeld. His determinate vision for this production is clear but is where most of its worst humor lies. Likewise, he’s filled the film with plenty of funny actors who can do a good amount with a lackluster script. But his background in stand-up means that he is the worst performer there. He can’t deliver this kind of material in a reliable way, leading to some weird line deliveries and feeling as if he’s got a gun to his head for the entire film. Not a good sign when you’re using that to describe your lead creative mind behind the project.
Its technical merits at least feel fine. The film is shot by Bill Pope (“The Matrix,” “Scott Pilgrim vs. The World”) and his career worth of skills help bring the film to life with some above average camerawork, even helping to flesh out the retro-futuristic production design. It can’t save it from still feeling flat, overly clean, and cheap, but it at least prevents every aspect of the film from feeling boring. Even with all of the weirdness on display, it all just feels too flat, too cold, too boring to make any kind of impact, even as a bad film.
“Unfrosted” is a soggy mess, and despite the material it fails to even register as an interesting mess. Seinfeld gives a bad performance, with the rest of the cast acting circles around him even with the lackluster script. It’s just not a funny movie, eliciting more confused looks and eyebrow raises than even light giggles, and its reverence for the 60s and breakfast food just feels off. Even with some good technical elements, it’s hard to imagine anyone other than Seinfeld himself feeling more than confused and nonplussed for this satirical cereal bowl of nothing. 1.5/5
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